Recently I’ve spoken to someone regarding the vague question of,”If it is all over” or if we are coming to the end times.
It began with a statement from a friend, and my vehement desire to combat the claim, and so I levied the challenge to take to a voice chat and discuss it.
However, the friend was chemically incapacitated shortly thereafter, and the argument was inherited by this somewhat stranger.
And I must say I’m somewhat ashamed of the manner in which I and this other person keep meeting. It is only ever by internet, and always I am in an ostentatious mood, which typically is of no consequence, but that is in the cases of people most familiar with me.
It is typical that for some time I aim for conversation to be mediated between a mutual friend, and to participate non-verbally if at all possible, so as to learn the nature of this person and to make myself suitable, and wherever direct conversation can not be avoided I attempt to remain as courteous as possible.
I feel over internet the matter is so complicated, and nowhere near as felicitous. There is such strong temptation to drive oneself headfirst into the activity which is not suited to the necessary manner one ought to introduce themself.
Nevertheless the argument itself was carried out. I felt it was a very educational experience in total, but it was most so when we veered from the main subject. For most of the discussion on the main matter I felt we mostly spoke past each other, not that it was uninteresting for this, but rather that it was simply less productive.
It was altogether very good, but now coming some days from it I still feel a sense of unease. It is as if I have been wounded, and I do not know from where this feeling arises, but altogether I am anxious. I know it is not from the subject of the conversation itself.
I think it is from the feeling that I may have been misidentified or misinterpreted, that someone has misunderstood me. I don’t think it’s happened in a long time, and it worries me. I think it is causing me to question who I am, and even more grave, whether I am as moral as I think I am, and if I am even ethical enough to have earned my faith.